How to Vamp: A Brochure by SnowBaz
by alixxblack
Summary: Simon invites Baz to stay at his flat when Penny is going to be gone for a couple of weeks. It goes without saying that things heat up (naturally, because Baz) faster than either of them were expecting. And accidents happen, right? (Rate T for references to sex/sexual acts; mild swearing).
1. Accidents Happen, Right?

Everything happened so fast, and to be fair, Baz is too busy wrenching to even recall specifically how he landed himself in this position. Too much of it is a blur.

For the first time in months, Penny is going to be gone for more than one night and Simon asked him to stay overnight... every night that she's gone. They've shared a dorm before so the reality of it was not difficult to grasp. The butterfly inducing aspect of it is the pure domesticity of proper living together. The cooking, cleaning, eating, and _sleeping_ together as a proper couple for two whole weeks...

Baz should have known that it wouldn't take long before things got heated. Nobody's first time is perfect, he didn't assume, but it was going to be perfect because he going to do it with **Simon Snow**. _An openly out Simon Snow who loves him!_ Baz should have taken precautions, he knew, but kissing transitioned to undressing seamlessly. He didn't even notice that it was happening. What happened after that, well, he just doesn't remember.

Now he's lurching over a toilet with Simon off to the side in the shower. Shakily he is holding a bottle of peroxide over his arm. The liquid is pouring and sizzling against the fresh wound just a few inches below his shoulder. Baz catches sight of it and it manages to make him feel even worse; "Search online for ways to get poison out of your body!"

Simon raises a brow, he can sense it, but does as he is told. He drops the peroxide, which wasn't a terrible idea at the foundation of its reasoning, but certainly wouldn't help for vampire venom. Simon asks Siri to search for ways to get poison out of a person's body. The top result is a bit of a concern, at least to Baz.

"The internet says to suck it out, but not to swallow!"

"I didn't tell you to Google blow jobs, Simon!" Baz will never know how he manages a joke during a serious situation like this, but when in doubt: _mock the love of one's life, right?_ That's how he's always coped with his extreme feelings for Simon. He makes a face – not a positive one – as Baz feels yet another wave of vomit burn his esophagus.

"Fuck off, Baz!" Simon shouts with a better sense of urgency. He starts reading exactly from the webpage about sucking the blood back out being effective to remove it from the blood stream; "You have to suck my blood to save me from being turned, Baz!"

The idea is repulsive. What if he went too far and just kept drinking? Baz had to force his thoughts back on track as another mouthful of old blood swims up from his gut. Which is the bigger risk? Suck the blood from Simon's wound to get the poison out of him or letting him turn and deal with the consequences? He lifts his head, blood staining his chin and neck from throwing up so violently.

He stares into Simon's frightened eyes and shakes his head; "I won't do it."

"I'll turn, Pitch!" Simon has suffered many tragedies, and losing all of his magic is the most recent one. His identity is constantly being changed by outside forces. Poor guy never gets to properly decide who he is without the influence of another person. Baz feels being Simon's roommate was the best thing for him. Baz would never change Simon fucking Snow.

And somehow, here he is doing just the completely by accident; "It is a _risk_ I won't take." Baz barely gets up on his feet; "I'll love you no matter what you are - even if it's a vampire dragon. You'll be _my_ bloody vampire dragon."

Simon shakes his head loosely, leaning down to suck the venom from his own arm. Baz reaches out and grabs his chin, smashing his head harder than he anticipates against the shower backsplash. Simon wriggles beneath him in protest; "If you suck your own wound clean of the poison there will be a residue on your mouth, you sod! I will not risk your existence so long as I can still have your life, Snow!"

Simon begins tearing up. Baz wishes he could mute him, tell him to keep his mouth shut. He can't, though, and the man beneath him shudders; "I'm scared," he chokes out, "I'm _scared_." Breaths are coming more rapidly. The venom must be starting to take ahold of him. Panic is going to settle in his chest very rapidly.

Baz doesn't know what apology will ever be enough, if any. This is not who he is as a person or as a partner. Dangerous is what he _creates_ but now who he _is_ ; he's dangerous to his _enemies_. He isn't supposed to be a threat to Simon Snow - **not anymore**.

"Baz," he says through his sobs, "I am so scared."

So he does the only thing he can think of and pulls Simon into him as close as he can manage. In the bathtub with bloody fingerprints and fizzling peroxide beneath them, Baz and Simon grieve for the terrible tragedy of their first attempt at sex. It would be unsurprising if this is their _only_ attempt to be more intimate with one another.

For all the humor this incident may hold one day, it hurts now. Baz doesn't want to forget how badly it aches to be the reason Simon has to learn how to live all over again. This has to be his motivation to be careful with his boyfriend.

* * *

This is my first 'Carry On' fanfiction - so please don't drive me through! I've done my personal best to keep the characters as 'in character' as possible. I hope that you're pleased with the work and will stick around to keep reading!

Feel free to leave a comment with your praise or criticism! Leave a like if you're no good with words.

Or just CARRY ON reading, if you will, to show your support for my silly stories.

Thank you so very much 3

(Sorry for those that read this when it had all of the code! I hadn't realized that it was even there!)


	2. Bad Jokes & Brochures

Simon doesn't look at Baz the next morning at all. It isn't because of the anger or the fear of what he's becoming, but more because he doesn't know how to tell Baz that this doesn't change a thing. Nothing about turning into a vampire alters his feelings. Though he cried most of the night, all this really means is that he will be hungrier more often - which is fine. Baz said once that he's pretty sure he needs food and blood to survive, so all will be **just fine.**

But if Simon makes a joke - will Baz make a joke back? He did joke last night, didn't he? Their dynamic has _always_ been how they interact with one another. Being a vampire should actually only make it easier. Yet...

Here they are sitting on opposite sites of the flat pretending they don't know the other is even home. Well, Baz is actually cleaning up the bathroom. It legitimately looks as though one of them killed the other (finally, some would say), but it is really just vomit. As for Simon, he's sitting in Penny's bedroom eating some of her hidden biscuits. She doesn't hide them as well as she thinks she does. Or maybe she doesn't try at all, who knows. Simon doesn't care to know.

Today the pair of them are – _were_ – planning to go to an amusement park. The day is overcast, or so the weather insists that it is, so it is preferred weather for Baz. Well, and Simon now, too. He peeks out the window and winces instantly. What was Baz's adjustment period to sunlight like? Did it take long? Simon can _not_ stay indoors for a few years. That's not an option!

Simon finally realizes exactly why Baz always jokes about needing a vampire brochure explaining all the things to expect when you're turning. There are so many things that he's going to have to figure out and learn from his boyfriend about this new life. Although, choosing to look at it positively is probably something that Baz won't be teaching Simon anytime soon.

As far as he figures, now they can take all of their meals together. Baz won't even have to worry that Simon is judging him (he's not) anymore (he never was). There was always this self-conscious aspect of drinking that Baz couldn't ever shake when Simon was with him.

When it becomes apparent the two aren't going anywhere (and are in the same place), Simon waltzes into the kitchen. He does everything he can to be normal when he sees Baz has started doing the leftover dishes from last night. Seeing him there is calming. Waking up without knowing he is across the room from him is difficult at times (most of the time, honestly). The time apart is needed (and also not needed, Simon can't decide which most days), so they can develop their relationship more normally, but there has always been this security of knowing he is there. He's not there anymore.

Managing to stride over to Baz with false confidence, he decides to put in all of his chips (so to speak). There is no point in withdrawing and behaving as if the world has ended. Nothing has ended at all! Something else has begun, and for once Simon isn't going to try running away from it.

"So Baz..." Simon starts, confidence still oozing from within and now rolling off of his tongue. He really hadn't planned ahead so he just asks the most ridiculous question that comes to mind; "If I accidentally bite you..."

"Please don't do this." Baz doesn't even ask. He says, he states, he **commands**. Simon is committed though.

Very committed, indeed; "Will you be _re_ -vamped?" The grin that splays his cheeks is not natural - though is Simon really natural with his wings, tail, and freshly forming fangs? Nothing about Simon Snow is normal. Not anymore, anyway. Possibly not ever.

"I should have just sucked the poison out of you." Baz grumbles, not showing any signs of being impressed with the joke. Simon is quite proud of the remark, though, and shows it by continuing to smirk at him.

"Too late, you chose cheesy vampire jokes over my delicious blood factory." After he says it, well, he knows it may have just crossed a line. It is surprising to him that Baz simply throws a grimace in his direction and nothing more. Simon doesn't know how to fill the deadly silence so he reaches over and grabs at Baz's ass.

Simon holds his groping stance for an awkward amount of time, and it forces Baz to turn literally into Simon and acknowledge him directly; "So what do you think? What happens if I bite you?"

Baz shrugs, "There's no brochure, remember?"

"So let's make one." Flirtation initiated.

And, without really even discussing it in depth, Simon and Baz agree to make a brochure on the crucial information of becoming a vampire.

"How To Vamp: A Brochure by SnowBaz."


	3. The Grieving Process

**_SO YOU'RE A VAMPIRE._**

 ** _NOW WHAT?_**

 ** _This brochure is brought to your by SnowBaz Incorporated…_**

* * *

"Why are you saying SnowBaz incorporated?" Baz interrogates Simon over his shoulder. Having one of the smartest wizards hanging out behind him while he types is very nerve racking. It isn't everyday that someone proofreads his work while he's working on it. Even Penny doesn't start to hover until he's started his own editing work.

Simon simply shrugs, though, trying not to show that he's unsure of himself to the ever-vigilant Basilton Pitch. Even as a boyfriend he can get scary bossy. It's not that he minds, of course, because having Baz around as his truest self is great; "It just sounded good."

Baz presses his chest against Simon's shoulders and uses his slender pale fingers to revise the statement; "I can't believe that any university would ever accept you, Snow."

* * *

 ** _(REV.) This brochure is brought you by the SnowBaz Partnership._**

* * *

"An incorporated company has public stock and is essentially vested wholly within itself. A partnership has all the same personal liability as a sole proprietor but evenly split between each individual." Baz rattles on without really caring if Simon is paying attention. While he boyfriend tutors him once again on something relatively meaningless to him, Simon's mind is just focused on the mention of university.

How is he supposed to have a normal life now? Honestly, he wasn't going to have much of a normal life _before_ being turned into a vampire ( _accidentally_ ). He is a dragon boy-man with no human education and a useless-to-him magical education. Simon Snow is officially a vampire dragon man-child drop out.

So, yeah, what university _would_ take him?

Simon Snow: Vampire Dragon Boy destined to work coffee shops for all of eternity.

* * *

 ** _In this pamphlet you will find answers to most of your initial questions after being turned. Chances are: you didn't choose this life. Before reading any further, please review the "5 Stages of Grief" box below in order to determine where you are in the grieving process over your lost human life._**

* * *

"No." Baz groans, "No."

"Yes." Simon doesn't exactly know what Baz is turning down but Simon is sticking with it.

"Nothing about that sounds professional, Simon. Besides – do you really _need_ to include the five stages of grief?" Baz whines. He was too young to go through the stages of grief properly. Regardless of his boyfriend's experience, Simon knows he worked through the grieving stages quickly throughout the night.

"You can re-write the paragraph but I'm not budging on the stages of grief. We are including them _ahead_ of the other content." Simon crosses his arms and awaits the familiar presence of Baz pressed against him. Even though the contact isn't sensual it is still quite arousing. Truthfully, he might keep writing shit paragraphs just to get Baz against him again. Childish? Maybe. Selfish? Definitely. Productive? Nope, not even a little.

* * *

 ** _(REV.) Before delving into this pamphlet for the answers to questions you never thought you'd have, please review the "5 Stages of Grief" chart below to identify your current position in the Turning Process._**

* * *

"Is that acceptable?" Baz turns his chin towards Simon's face. His breath is cool and has traces of cinnamon on it. Simon wonders if he drank some of Penny's herbal tea. That's one of those things that aren't supposed to be touched by anyone – even more so than the cookies she hides (so, so badly). Simon can't resist the welcoming scent of it coming from Baz's lips, though, and leans forward to press a gentle kiss to his mouth.

That doesn't go very well.

It garners exactly the opposite reaction that Simon is expecting; "There will be no further affections until we're sure that you can handle being a vampire."

"Why is that?" Simon groans in protest.

"Because if you can't behave then I'll have to kill you." Baz replies.

"WHAT?"

"YOU HEARD ME, SNOW!"

Baz raises his voice plenty, usually at Penny when she's beating him at a board game. Occasionally he shouts in genuine happiness when he's helped Penny piece something together. Penny is the only person who has been properly working since school has finished. Simon mostly lives off what he inherited from the Mage (what they could release to him, anyway) – his fortune and supposedly useless trinkets from his office. Most of it he simply donated to the school. Some items he let Penny's parents keep for their library. The only thing that actually helps Simon is the money – and he's only taken it rather than donate it because of the need to financially sustain his living expenses. He _really_ needs to get a job.

"That is not fair." Simon remarks, "Why don't you trust me to 'behave' myself? It's not like I'm going to run off and start draining people of their blood left and right."

Baz's expression hardens. They don't really talk much about what things were like for him when he was going through puberty, or how difficult it was to maintain a proper eating schedule around – well – _life._ Simon knows that Baz had to do a lot of sneaking around, mostly because he was following him in the first place.

After the frown lifts from his lips, realizing that he's being a right numpty, he bobs his head in a figure eight. Clearly unsure how to word things, he makes an unintelligible grunt. When he doesn't produce a fair argument, things get uncomfortably silent.

So Simon begins typing the "5 Stages of Grief" section of their pamphlet.

* * *

 ** _Grieving is something we've all done. Maybe it was over something serious, or maybe it was over something that was only important to us. Still, grieving is a part of life we cannot avoid. Now that you're a vampire – here's what to expect (in no particular order)._**

 ** _DENIAL._**

 ** _It is okay if you don't want to believe you're been turned into a vampire. Nobody is going to judge you for not wanting to be a vampire. We at SnowBaz understand that this is not exactly ideal. So go ahead – take a day or two to pretend that you haven't just become a vampire._**

 ** _ANGER._**

 ** _The fury of being changed may not ever leave you, and that's okay. You deserve to be angry because this isn't a choice that you made but you're the one who has to suffer the consequences. So we say punch a few pillows and go scream in the woods for a couple of hours. Let the rage out. We at SnowBaz totally agree – this is a piss deal._**

 ** _BARGAINING._**

 ** _This is going to present in a few different ways. Maybe you are telling yourself to give up and just be a monster. Maybe you just want to give up and get yourself killed. Maybe you're trying to find ways to reverse it (there are none to our knowledge at SnowBaz, by the way). Everyone bargains over being turned._**

 ** _DEPRESSION._**

 ** _This isn't just occasionally being sad about something, is it? This is a lingering feeling of sadness. Though it is difficult to overcome the harrowing feeling of 'the end' in your life, at least know that it will pass and that you'll be stronger because of it._**

 ** _ACCEPTENCE._**

 ** _You are a vampire. Once you have reached the point where you are honest about your situation this is when you can begin moving on and making a proper life for yourself. Being a vampire doesn't have to be the end of the world or the end of you as a person. It just means that you have to supplement your died with blood._**

* * *

"It actually isn't _that_ terrible."

Baz places both hands on his shoulders. Simon decides that he just may have come to terms with becoming a vampire a lot quicker than his boyfriend. Deciding silently that Baz is possibly somewhere between anger and depression, he just shoots his winning smile at the lanky bloke hovering just behind him.

"I won't start drinking people dry, you know." Simon remarks.

"I know, Simon." Baz frowns, "I really do know."

* * *

A/N:

I hope you like the formatting for the "brochure" fanfiction. The chapters will all be like this - showing what Simon and Baz are doing when they're putting this brochure together.

I think (if you'd all like) that I'll make the last chapter all of the brochure text so you can see it all together!


	4. Just Say No!

**BEFORE YOU ASK… NO!**

 ** _These are questions you're going to ask because we all asked them at some point about vampires, if we're being honest. It is important that you know the answer to these questions is definitely 'no.' So here's what you need to know is not worth knowing._**

 ** _Question One: Can I turn into a bat?_**

* * *

Baz is typing today because Simon is feeling a bit piss today. He is cuddling inside of a heating blanket, not yet acclimated to his dropping body temperature, and slurping his chow mein noodles. Simon has a growing weak spot for Chinese food. Baz thinks it is just because Chinese is close and it means he doesn't have to go outside.

"We don't know that for sure." Simon grumbles when Baz reads what he's typed into the brochure. Baz never looked into the possibility because he wouldn't know where to even start looking in the first place. Even if it were somewhere in a text saying how to do it – Baz isn't sure that it would be due to his being a vampire so much as his manipulation of magic.

Simon leans his head over onto Baz's shoulder and sighs; "You know that turning into a bat is magic."

"I know, but it's not impossible." Simon whines.

"Vampires by themselves cannot turn into bats. And there are only two vampires that I know of that are also warlocks, Simon. This information has to be relevant to the majority of people reading it." Simon whimpers but doesn't argue. So Baz moves onto the next question to which one simply says 'no.'

* * *

 ** _Question Two: What about flying?_**

* * *

Again, magic only. Pretty simply, right?

* * *

 ** _Question Three: Will the sun burn me to a crisp?_**

* * *

This is something Simon had been hung up on for years. Before his misguided feelings for Baz came to a turning point during his suicidal tantrum, Simon purposely tried exposing him as a vampire – _all the time_. It was more than a hobby. Simon Snow's entire magical career apparently was banking on him outing Baz as a vampire.

It would have gotten him killed too, so it's good that nobody believed him all those years.

One of Simon's tactics was to open the curtains each morning, let the sun shine right through the window onto his bed. The sun irritates Baz, sure enough, but it will do nothing to him. Vampires avoid the sun on the simple principle that the sun won't tan the skin – or burn it – so it's sort of hard to explain to others why that is happening without saying "I am an undead vampire, so my cells are incapable of soaking up the radiation."

Simon hates when Baz says that, though, or even _jokes_. He insists that Baz is very much alive even though he's also dead. To Simon Snow it's one's actions and feelings that define whether or a not an individual is living.

Baz both loves and hates that part of him.

* * *

 ** _Question Four: Do we glitter?_**

* * *

That is a question that shouldn't even be included, but Simon insists that they list it. He doesn't want anyone ever actually uttering that question out loud. Baz doesn't particularly care to hear this either, which is why there's no conversation on the matter. It is being listed.

* * *

 ** _Question Five: Am I immortal?_**

* * *

Baz knows for sure he's not immortal. The fortune that he has is that he went to Watford - a school of magic that educated him on various events in magical history which resulted in the deaths of _hundreds_ vampires. There are dozens ways to kill people like him. In spite of this being true, a vampire's life span is lengthy in comparison to humans. The whole 'immortality' thing a bit of an exaggeration…

"That covers it, don't you think?" Baz asks his boyfriend, whom is starting to softly snore. The blanket burrito next to him is radiating a heat that would make nearly anyone else uncomfortable. Good thing for Baz, then, that his family is innately skilled with fire magic. Heat? Flames? None of it bothers him.

Five questions for this section feels more than sufficient. Simon is the one who suggests adding a few more. Since pamphlets are meant to be informative, Baz just starts typing up other inquiries he's sure will come up at one points or another.

* * *

 ** _Question Six: Do I only drink blood now?_**

 ** _Question Seven: Can I have children?_**

 ** _Question Eight: Will garlic kill me?_**

 ** _Question Nine: Will a cross keep me away?_**

 ** _Question Ten: So I can't see my reflection now?_**

* * *

"You sure know a ton of stupid vampire questions, Baz." Simon mumbles, rolling around to press his face into the couch cushion. Seeking warmth from anything, a sniffle forcibly reminds him just how cold he's getting. This is not something Baz ever had to go through, not in a way that he would remember. The protective side of him wants to coo and cuddle Simon, promising everything is going to be all right each passing second. Being cold isn't all that bad; he would lie to Simon with gross comfort.

"I got them from your diary, Snow." Baz laughs. He obviously didn't get any of those questions from Simon at all. Some of them were dumb questions _he_ asked _himself_ once he knew what was 'wrong' with him. Others are ridiculous notions he's seen in movies and books that explore vampire mythology. Or lore, as some of the sources calls it. Or, you know, _history! BECAUSE VAMPIRES ARE REAL?!_

Simon doesn't respond at this point. The jab is lackluster anyway so Baz doesn't attempt to rile up his essentially incapacitated companion. Guilt lurks in the back of his mind as it is, so there's no desire to maintain the usual atmosphere of sarcasm and suggestive insults. None of this would be happening had he not accidentally bitten Simon. None of this would be an issue right now if it weren't for his inability to control himself.

Months ago when he kissed Simon for the first time – he assured himself he would never bite Simon. He was confident that he could never hurt him (even though he certainly did hurt him a number of times, before he was accepted his feelings). Now he isn't sure he was ever sincere in those thoughts. He spent so long lying to the boy he loved that he got too comfortable lying to himself.

And now Simon Snow is paying the price for his ignorance.

* * *

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	5. What to Expect When You're Turning

**What To Expect When You're Turning**

 ** _Much like puberty, turning into a vampire is a time of massive change for your body. It is very different than what the Internet would have you believe. Here's what you should really expect during the turning process._**

* * *

Baz is taking a shower. For all the goings-on in his body, Simon did ask if his boyfriend would like some company. One thing he has always had to do is roll with the punches. Figuring that they very nearly had sex only just three nights ago, he'd thought it wouldn't be something that is 'off limits.' After all, the damage was already done. Simon is (almost) a vampire too.

Unfortunately, Baz found a _lot_ of issue with this premise. For one, Simon's body is still trying to regulate the internal temperature of being an "undead monster." Simon could have picked a fight about his choice of words, but the angst is stemming from a place of disappointment and anger. Baz expects perfection from himself, and to turn his boyfriend into a bloodthirsty creature is on the "you are trash" list of things he should have never let happen. Honestly, each hour that passes assures Simon that Baz is more worried and hurt by the entire situation than he ever could have been personally.

At least this way, whatever extended life Baz will enjoy won't have to be spent on his own. Simon will have more time with him than he could have hoped for only a week ago. This isn't going to be nearly as terrible as he'd thought the night it all happened. Panic washed away with the tears and the worried kisses Baz pressed to his cheeks in the bathtub.

If Baz would have let him into the shower they could have made those sour memories fresh with giddy firsts; "Oh well," Simon sighs before returning his attention to the screen.

So far he's just been taking sloppy notes about things he personally is experiencing. This brochure is a collection of odd bits of information. It certainly won't be helping anyone on a large scale, but if they found a way to track freshly turned vampires and victims of vampires at risk of turning, well, it could be the difference between someone becoming a criminal and a decent person who happens to be slightly less alive than other people.

Simon lowers his fingers back on the keyboard of the computer and starts with his first set of notes.

* * *

 ** _On the first day after you've been bitten you'll be pretty tired and confused. Although you might remember everything with absurd clarity, not everything will make sense. You will not crave blood yet, but you won't be hungry for food either. Your appetite will be the most noticeable change overall. If you are affected with a high concentration of venom, you may experience moderate disorientation._**

* * *

Baz had mentioned that he'd been speaking to vampires in London, many of whom describe their first days turning as similar to being on drugs. One gentleman had been addicted to LSD at the time of his turning and initially thought he was in the middle of a "bad trip." Baz was particularly amused by this tale and shared with enthusiasm. _"He was so sure he was in this gray-scale nightmare that involved people poking and prodding him as he was passed out in the street."_ Even now, Snow remembers this social story most of any that Baz has shared to date.

* * *

 ** _During your second and third days of the turning process you will feel a civil war within yourself as your body fights to maintain a live and dead person's body temperature. Stereotypical menopause stories? That will be your routine for a couple of days as your body adjusts to the venom taking control over the cells in your body. This will likely leave you bedridden so it is our advice to focus on a balanced (and perhaps forced) diet. Keep both warm and cold drinks at your disposal, along with plain snacks._**

* * *

This is Simon's fourth day as a newborn vamp and he's been wondering at which point in time does he begin incorporating blood into his diet. This is a question that even Baz was unsure of the answer. Several times the two would argue about whom should they ask and whether they should start straight away drinking from the source. The conversation didn't go anywhere fast because Baz would get angry immediately; _"Blood is something to consume as needed!"_

In spite of Baz's fists pounding on tables, against walls, and into cushions it didn't change the truth. Simon _will_ need to know this information. Simon _will_ need to start drinking blood.

* * *

 ** _Starting on the fourth and fifth days you can expect hunger to return with fiery vigor. By now your temperature has dropped significantly, but your brain is still operating on a human's physiology. Even though many of the changes have already taken place in the body, the mind will take more time to reprogram.. This will be the hardest part of the turning process. It is highly recommended that you have someone watch after you during the following weeks to ensure a healthy transition._**

* * *

Simon knows that eventually he will not eat as often, for Baz rarely eats a full tray at each meal. It will be strange for him not to be hungry all the time. Snow can see the worry in Baz's face when he jokes that Simon won't change hardly at all. _"You'll still be stuffing your face full twice at meals,"_ but there is concern that Simon's hunger will shift. Without it ever being spoken, Baz must be worrying that Simon's appetite will make him viciously bloodthirsty. Simon just hopes to continue the trend of letting everyone down when it comes to expectations. For once, being mediocre won't be a curse. A smile flickers onto his lips but it is gone almost as quickly as it has come.

Closing the computer is habit. Really he should be saving before he closes, the way Baz does whenever he works on the computer, but Simon isn't that person. As with most things, he is reckless and unremarkable. The fact that anyone ever genuinely believed he was going to be the most powerful wizard to have ever been born is still astounding to him. Baz is always telling Simon that he's special but mostly it is to mock him for his shortcomings. While Baz finds these things to be quirky and endearing, it is Penelope's proclamation that reminds him few of those qualities would be seen as truly positive by anyone else… _"with a brain,"_ she always adds.

The only person that would always think the world of Simon Snow and more is Tyrranus Basilton Pitch. For some reason he believes that Simon is the best boyfriend in the whole world. Maybe he'll agree someday, but for now he's just thankful that Baz believes it.

Moving around the apartment is as easy as breathing, every bit as second nature too. Arms and legs dodge, lift, and turn as needed to prepare a small plate of cookies, chips, and leftover taquitos. None of the food is healthy but he decided a couple of nights ago eating healthy was out of the window. The only unhealthy thing that Simon can do now is avoid drinking blood completely.

So junk food is quickly becoming the only food group worth his time. He can almost hear Baz grumbling playfully, _"Disgusting."_

Baz sometimes frowns so deeply that it becomes apparent in his breathing. He assures that a balanced died will still be essential, and that his body will still take nutrients from the foods he eats – which definitely affect his ability to strengthen muscles. Simon refuses to care right now – _"This is my time of grieving,"_ he jokes to Baz - probably in poor taste.

Simon stops at the refrigerator to find something worth drinking. There are dozens of organic juices lined in the door, and an obnoxious number of half empty milk cartons occupying the middle shelf. None of this seems appealing. Though, one thing does catch his eye.

A large bowl with saran wrap over the top is lying on the bottom shelf above the drawers. Normally he would get distracted by the sweet pudding cups in the drawers below, but today the raw meat he can see inside of the bowl stands out more. Simply knowing that there is blood nestled between the threads of ground beef awakens a primal part of him that he knew was waiting to be heard. After setting the bowl on the counter he digs around the silverware drawer for a spoon.

"I wonder if this would still taste good with ketchup?" Simon whips the refrigerator back open and grabs the ketchup bottle to take back with him to the couch. Raw beef, pretzels, barbeque potato chips, raspberry thumbprint cookies, and taquitos for lunch? Nothing could sound more promising than this to Simon Snow; not today.

Baz rolls his eyes when he emerges to the banquet plate his boyfriend has made for lunch. It repulses him so much that he opts out of his own meal, promising to keep his distance while continuing the section Simon had started for the brochure. After he reads it he manages a compliment; "You actually wrote quite well today."

"I think my vampire senses are starting to kick in." Simon jokes, "I'm sharp!" He then uses his tongue to poke out his stubby fangs for Baz to see. Both of them avert their eyes to hide their grins, unsure how the other might feel about the sincere amusement.

Then he reads out loud what he adds to this section:

* * *

 ** _Even though not everything you can read online about vampirism is true, there are some special abilities that will come to you approximately one week after you've turned. Super strength may be an exaggeration of reality, though it is not inaccurate. You will find that you have more physical capacities than mortals and heightened senses. Because you have turned into a supernatural creature, you will develop animal-like awareness of the world around you. Consider it an adaptation to hunt for prey and execute near flawless self-preservation._**

* * *

"I am super excited to be able to smell you the instant you leave your house. I won't have to text and ask how far away you are anymore." Simon truly believes that if he keeps badgering Baz with ridiculous jokes that he'll start cracking. Baz blames himself, and he's not wrong, but it isn't the end of the world. All he's done is rewrite the story and there's no crime in that, Simon figures, so he wants to break the layer of self-hate surrounding his boyfriend. Maybe if he pushes hard enough Baz will angry-kiss Simon just to shut him up.

It might seem like a plan to comfort his boyfriend but it is all a ploy to get more kisses.

* * *

A/N: Thanks so much for your patience and readership. I know I've not be reliable with my timetables and updates so that fact that anyone is still reading is amazing to me. Thank you so much! I'm hoping to post a picture of the actual brochure on my tumblr at some point - and hopefully I can figure a way to show what it looks like on here soon!


	6. To Be Continued?

**TO BE CONTINUED?**

 **What do I do now that I'm a vampire? Where do I go from here?**

 **Review the section below to determine where you should start your journey as a vampire.**

* * *

Penny is flying back Monday. This means that Baz is only going to stay with Simon for two more full days before he's back off to his usual nonsense, staying at home when he can't find something else to do with his time. Tutoring at Watford is well enough, but Baz wants to do more with this life.

Being in a relationship with Simon seemed impossible a year ago, something he dreamed about each time he blinked. Now they've been dating for months. Now Simon is a vampire.

Now _everything_ has changed.

What could have been a short reality feels more permanent. Baz glances around the room knowing that Simon went to get the mail. Lately he's been running small errands on his own and proving that nothing has changed fundamentally. That bumbling idiot somehow makes vampirism look like a detail, a personality trait added to someone to make a person more interesting.

Simon couldn't be more _interesting_ if he had a tail… Wait…

The laugh escapes before he realizes it. Each single giggle multiples tenfold and leaves his body bent over, laptop sliding slowly from his grip. Today he plans to finish this brochure, something that was only meant to be a side project for coping with the fact that Baz had turned Simon into a vampire. It was all a joke about the fact that nobody was there for him when he was turned, that there was no brochure for these things. The scary truth is that Simon is enjoying a privileged experience. Almost nobody has a vampire to properly coach them through this whole mess.

This is the thought that makes his joy subside. Baz starts thinking about the vampires downtown. They are mean, hateful, and cold. Many of them go out of their way to single out Baz for being different – for not murdering innocent humans just for the joy of drinking their blood. None of that was ever presented to Baz as an option, and so he has gone on to live as normally as anyone else.

And he really does mean normally.

Baz enjoyed a boyish crush in school; a thorough lack of self-esteem; a petty teenage rivalry; frightening discord within himself, and an unspoken academic competition with someone he now considers a friend. Baz was even a valued member on a school sports team. There was so much about his life that was _normal_ that he couldn't image conforming the stereotypes laid out for vampires. None of that appeals to him.

Baz can hear the first steps being taken several floors down. Simon must be on his way back already. As his boyfriend slowly returns, well, the mind wanders. It wanders and wonders and thinks…

"Vampires Anonymous Mutual Partnership."

There was no real explanation behind his blurting, except that he didn't want everyone to feel cornered into a monstrous pitfall. Being a vampire is not the end of the world. Simon makes sure to remind Baz every single morning and every single night that he's still Simon; _"I'm just simple Simon Snow."_

"Vampires…" That is pretty self explanatory, isn't it?

"Anonymous…" Nobody outside of the group needs to know if someone is a vampire unless that person actually shares that information, right? Baz knows that lying can lead to pretty big problems but for now it seems a justified aspect. If he really wants this work, at least, being anonymous is a very important and _appealing_ aspect of the whole project.

"Mutual Partnership." Nobody likes a one-sided relationship. Baz is an expert in the ways of wanting something and someone that doesn't return the feeling. Those days are gone and there is little more empowering than finding happiness and acceptance. Simon can relate to that, too, having never realized his sexuality was more complicated than a straight line.

 _V.A.M.P._

 _Vampires Anonymous Mutual Partnership: A safe haven where vampires can gather and discuss the trials of being different than others. A network of friends that provide support in a world that still doesn't accept vampires as equals. A group of vampires working to find a better quality of life despite their affliction…_

Simon only just opens the door when Baz shouts excitedly; "A SUPPORT GROUP FOR VAMPIRES!"

Reaching around for his sweatpants, which twitch in a fashion telling of a hidden tail, Simon merely sports a lopsided grin. He manages to shut the door before his tail wriggles out over his waistband. It doesn't happen often but it usually is a sign of interest or amusement.

"Is that a suggestion? Or did you find one?" Very little bothers Simon Snow anymore. He has the unique advantage of knowing all about this strange world from both sides of the fence, so to speak. Baz loves this most about his boyfriend. It would be more surprising to find something that _doesn't_ freak the hell out of Simon.

Baz gathers his thoughts and pushes the laptop on the coffee table. Eagerly he jumps to his feet to follow Simon to the kitchen island; "I want to start a support group. We can make a proposal to The Mage or Penny's mom – have them send vampires to us! We can teach them to be normal!" Baz is practically jumping up and down when Simon turns to stand face-to-face with him.

Penny is going to be overwhelmed or underwhelmed when she returns to discover that her roommate is a vampire. Though, she might write it off as pure madness. Had she not questioned Simon in the early days of his accusations of Baz's being a vampire? Maybe she only questioned from an academic standpoint, and who knows for sure except Penny, but Baz is pretty certain that Simon doesn't feel it would be a good idea to bombard her too quickly with too much.

And he doesn't wait long for him to confirm that; "Maybe we should start by letting her know you turned me into a vampire during sex. Let her swallow that truth pill first?"

Baz throws his arms in the air, "Maybe it would be a little more exciting if that were the true story, but we were barely undressed. What we did wasn't even close to sex."

This is a stupid argument, but Baz suspects it may be on purpose the moment that Simon slams his hand onto his hip and slides it slowly up. As the fabric of his shirt bunches up the actual conversation begins feels distant. Simon uses his free hand to yank Baz close, and the proximity alone is arousing. Though Baz would not quickly admit aloud that he finds it difficult to catch his breath in those moments, he does struggle.

Simon makes it even harder, in more than one way, to remain completely composed; "Then maybe we need to make sure we can really sell that story."

What gives him strength to speak, Baz is not sure, but he does say something in a voice filled with primitive lust, "How do you propose that, Snow? I'd love to know."

"Wouldn't you?" It doesn't take long, and the pair does not go far. There are some details that Penny won't need to know, they eventually decide. Some secrets are best kept exactly that way: _secret_.

Quite some time later, Simon opens the laptop while Baz lounges with ease next to him. Rereading the lines over and over eventually it becomes a game to see who can sound more professional in various accents. The whole scene somehow reminds Baz of the message he wanted to send, of course, with perfect clarity.

* * *

 **You Decide Your Future**

 **Not Your Vampirism**

 **Write down where you want to go, and remember:**

 **NEVER LOSE HOPE.**

* * *

Simon jokes a little that the whole "write your destiny" bit is a cop out, that it is cheesy, and really so very unlike Baz that he can't believe it was an original thought. In all fairness, Baz is alarmed by his own artistic output on the brochure. Even though it ends up being more informative than creative, Baz gawks at the brochure (kind of) in front of him with sincere pride and wonder.

"We did this together." Baz declares.

Simon places a hand over his shin, not able to really reach all the way to his boyfriend's knee, "We sure did," he agrees while winking sweetly. Sometimes Baz can't believe he never thought that Simon would be interested. There are times that he is so goofy and sentimental that Baz swears it fits the image for a stereotypical gay man. Of course, he fights himself on those learned images. He defies not only one but two social statuses as a homosexual _and_ a vampire. Stereotypes are hindrances to an individual's full potential – and Baz refuses to let it rule his actual perception of others. That included Simon Snow – it _aggressively_ included Simon Snow in particular for many years.

Just then Simon turns a bit more to look Baz directly, "Are you serious about the vamp support group?"

Baz doesn't miss a beat. There's only one thing he's been surer of in his life, "Absolutely. _Dead_ serious."

It is exactly the kind of joke that Simon makes every day to rouse a laugh from Baz's lips. Such a childish remark would irritate him, even when his boyfriend says it, but today he embraces something so distinctly belonging to someone he loves. Jokes, those belong to Simon, but Baz partakes to send a clear message.

"Then let's do it." His fingers move faster than Baz has ever seen and it has his heart fluttering anew all over again.

* * *

 **You are never alone in this world, even when you think that nobody could understand you. If you are struggling with your identity as a vampire please reach out to the SnowBaz Partnership** **for more information about the V.A.M.P.**

 **V ampires**

 **A nonymous**

 **M utual**

 **P artnership,**

 **A group of people that you know will keep your secret, keep you safe, and remind you that you're just as normal as anyone else.**

 **E-mail: snowbaz**

 **Phone:** **766-9229**

* * *

Baz sets up the e-mail while Simon makes calls to get this unique phone number attached to a cell phone. Although there are more selfish ways to spend a Friday afternoon, neither of them really would rather do anything else. This is something that they can share, work that they can do together, and a way for them to make sure their life together after Watford has purpose.

* * *

A/N: I really enjoyed writing this fanfiction - and it is my first one for the CARRY ON fandom! I hope you've accepted me as a member of this beautiful group. The last chapter is all of the text for the brochure together so that you can read it front to back. If you go to my tumblr page you will also be able to see the full text of the brochure in a brochure format! I am ficsforfangirls on tumblr - so you should probably check it out!

Thanks for your support and the reviews that I do have, and all of the favorites and follows! I appreciate you all so very much. You're all the very best ever!


	7. How to Vamp: A Brochure

_**SO YOU'RE A VAMPIRE.**_

 _ **NOW WHAT?**_

 _This brochure is brought you by the SnowBaz Partnership._

 _In this pamphlet you will find answers to most of your initial questions after being turned. Chances are: you didn't choose this life. Before reading any further, please review the "5 Stages of Grief" box below in order to determine where you are in the grieving process over your lost human life._

 _Grieving is something we've all done. Maybe it was over something serious, or maybe it was over something that was only important to us. Still, grieving is a part of life we cannot avoid. Now that you're a vampire – here's what to expect (in no particular order)._

* * *

 _ **DENIAL.**_

 _It is okay if you don't want to believe you're been turned into a vampire. Nobody is going to judge you for not wanting to be a vampire. We at SnowBaz understand that this is not exactly ideal. So go ahead – take a day or two to pretend that you haven't just become a vampire._

 _ **ANGER.**_

 _The fury of being changed may not ever leave you, and that's okay. You deserve to be angry because this isn't a choice that you made but you're the one who has to suffer the consequences. So we say punch a few pillows and go scream in the woods for a couple of hours. Let the rage out. We at SnowBaz totally agree – this is a piss deal._

 _ **BARGAINING.**_

 _This is going to present in a few different ways. Maybe you are telling yourself to give up and just be a monster. Maybe you just want to give up and get yourself killed. Maybe you're trying to find ways to reverse it (there are none to our knowledge at SnowBaz, by the way). Everyone bargains over being turned._

 _ **DEPRESSION.**_

 _This isn't just occasionally being sad about something, is it? This is a lingering feeling of sadness. Though it is difficult to overcome the harrowing feeling of 'the end' in your life, at least know that it will pass and that you'll be stronger because of it._

 _ **ACCEPTENCE.**_

 _You are a vampire. Once you have reached the point where you are honest about your situation this is when you can begin moving on and making a proper life for yourself. Being a vampire doesn't have to be the end of the world or the end of you as a person. It just means that you have to supplement your died with blood._

* * *

 **BEFORE** **YOU ASK… NO!**

 _These are questions you're going to ask because we all asked them at some point about vampires, if we're being honest. It is important that you know the answer to these questions is definitely 'no.' So here's what you need to know is not worth knowing._

 _ **Question One:**_ _Can I turn into a bat?_

 _ **Question Two:**_ _What about flying?_

 _ **Question Three:**_ _Will the sun burn me to a crisp?_

 _ **Question Four:**_ _Do we glitter?_

 _ **Question Five:**_ _Am I immortal?_

 _ **Question Six:**_ _Do I only drink blood now?_

 _ **Question Seven:**_ _Can I have children?_

 _ **Question Eight:**_ _Will garlic kill me?_

 _ **Question Nine:**_ _Will a cross keep me away?_

 _ **Question Ten:**_ _So I can't see my reflection now?_

* * *

 **What To Expect When You're Turning**

 _Much like puberty, turning into a vampire is a time of massive change for your body. It is very different than what the Internet would have you believe. Here's what you should really expect during the turning process._

 _On the first day after you've been bitten you'll be pretty tired and confused. Although you might remember everything with absurd clarity, not everything will make sense. You will not crave blood yet, but you won't be hungry for food either. Your appetite will be the most noticeable change overall. If you are affected with a high concentration of venom, you may experience moderate disorientation._

 _During your second and third days of the turning process you will feel a civil war within yourself as your body fights to maintain a live and dead person's body temperature. Stereotypical menopause stories? That will be your routine for a couple of days as your body adjusts to the venom taking control over the cells in your body. This will likely leave you bedridden so it is our advice to focus on a balanced (and perhaps forced) diet. Keep both warm and cold drinks at your disposal, along with plain snacks._

 _Starting on the fourth and fifth days you can expect hunger to return with fiery vigor. By now your temperature has dropped significantly, but your brain is still operating on a human's physiology. Even though many of the changes have already taken place in the body, the mind will take more time to reprogram.. This will be the hardest part of the turning process. It is highly recommended that you have someone watch after you during the following weeks to ensure a healthy transition._

 _Even though not everything you can read online about vampirism is true, there are some special abilities that will come to you approximately one week after you've turned. Super strength may be an exaggeration of reality, though it is not inaccurate. You will find that you have more physical capacities than mortals and heightened senses. Because you have turned into a supernatural creature, you will develop animal-like awareness of the world around you. Consider it an adaptation to hunt for prey and execute near flawless self-preservation._

* * *

 **TO BE CONTINUED?**

 _What do I do now that I'm a vampire? Where do I go from here?_

 _Review the section below to determine where you should start your journey as a vampire._

 _ **You Decide Your Future**_

 _ **Not Your Vampirism**_

 _ **Write down where you want to go, and remember:**_

 _ **NEVER LOSE HOPE.**_

* * *

 _You are never alone in this world, even when you think that nobody could understand you. If you are struggling with your identity as a vampire please reach out to the SnowBaz Partnership_ _for more information about the V.A.M.P._

 **V ampires**

 **A nonymous**

 **M utual**

 **P artnership,**

 _A group of people that you know will keep your secret, keep you safe, and remind you that you're just as normal as anyone else._

 **E-mail:** snowbaz

 **Phone:** 766-9229

* * *

 _Disclaimer: This is not a valid e-mail nor a solicitation. The phone number is not real to the best of my knowledge (and was created simply by spelling SnowBaz using numbers). Thanks again for your readership!_


End file.
